So I just learned something about determination. After 2 laborious hours of digging my car out of the snow/mostly ice to go get cigarettes, I thought about what made me do something like that. And it’s the fact that people, when we want something, we will go to great lengths to get it. Goes back to the old saying “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” And you know what? It’s so fucking true. I mean with most things anyways. I’m not saying if you want to turn yourself into a cat that you can if you try hard enough. Although I guess if that was like…really your life goal and you committed yourself to scientifically being able to genetically mutate yourself into a cat, hey you might accomplish it after x amount of years. I mean look at that reptile dude from Ripley’s Believe It or Not…
Sincerely, the power we possess as human beings is phenomenal. So what has been stopping me from doing everything I want? What has stopped me from being the me I want to be? I have come to the conclusion that I really must not want it as bad as I thought. My motivation and willpower is lacking. And that fucking sucks. Because not having the motivation to get yourself to a place you want to be will just keep you unhappy and feeling like shit.
So you know what I want to do with my life? I want to be happy. And that’s a blanket, broad statement, yes. But I have specifics about what will make me happy.
It will make me happy to love myself. And how do I do that when I feel like such a fucking overwhelmed wreck most of the time? Well I’ve got to pinpoint what exactly is making me feel so shitty and change it. And really change it.
I have to say, I really neglect my health. I’m not obese, I don’t have any deadly diseases or anything like that. But I’m not healthy. And I know being healthy will help me just…feel better in general. It will give me more energy to be motivated to change things. A continuous cycle that’s actually good for me.
I NEED to get more sleep each night. Okay I know writing this at 1am is a little contradictory, but whatever. Figuring out my mind is higher on the priorities list because otherwise I will just be laying in bed thinking all of this for hours until I pass out from exhaustion. Which is how I usually fall asleep. I don’t just fall asleep peacefully, I literally have to pass out from being so tired. And you know why? Because I don’t use enough energy every day! I get a shit load of calories, carbs, and sugar from greasy shitty foods and sit on my ass most of the day. That has to change. I need to eat vegetables, cut out bread (which is like 50% of my diet), eat fruit, and actually drink water. Yeah I’ve noticed I will literally have a day or two where I do not drink water. That doesn’t sound smart. And I need to DO MORE each day. Whether it’s lift these little weights in my room, do some crunches, take my dog for a walk (when there isn’t a foot of snow outside), etc, I need to use more energy each day. And then actually go to sleep at a human time. Like 11. Not super early, but enough time for me to get my 8 hours of sleep before school.
I also need to stop getting on facebook so much. The amount of time I waste…
And I want to get better at guitar. But that’s not going to happen from just looking at it. Which means I need to actually fucking practice. And on a regular basis. I haven’t touched my guitar in weeks because I’ve been feeling so fucking fucked up. And then I’m worse at guitar when I pick it up after not playing in weeks which makes me more frustrated with myself. I just need to get in the habit of playing for maybe a half hour or even just 20 minutes every day.
And I need to clean up my room (short term goal kind of…my room is pretty messy…maybe long term). But this clutter is making my mind feel cluttered. I need to go thru all of my shit, throw away the stuff I don’t need or use, and organize what I want to keep. Forreal.
I also need to do yoga again. I guess that’s kind of exercising. But really, yoga and meditation. I need to center myself.
And stop watching TV because really it’s pointless. I sit, some of my brain cells turn to goo, and I am left with nothing but a smaller brain and a hunger to watch more. And a physical hunger for unhealthy food.
And I need to take school more seriously. I haven’t even read past chapter 1 (out of 4) and I’m over half way done with school. I literally paid two thousand dollars, my dad paid eight, for this schooling. It’s about damn time I gave it the respect it fucking deserves.
I need to stop getting wrapped up in sexual encounters!!!!!!!! They waste my time, the hurt my heart, and they make my bipolar disorder even worse. I get sent into episodes of hypomania, then mania, then manic depression when they (inevitably) don’t work out. And my psyche cannot take any more. When I was packing up my stuff from Dakota’s house, I literally started hyperventilating, shaking, felt like I couldn’t breathe, and found that my mind would not stop repeating “I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t fucking do this what the fuck am I fucking doing.” Like really. I told my really good friend Ethan about it and he said it was probably a panic attack. What the hell? I don’t want to have panic attacks! And that’s not the first time stuff like that has happened to me which means I apparently have a history of panic or anxiety attacks. So if that’s what trying to be with someone who I KNOW isn’t right for me is going to do to me, then I have GOT to fucking stop fucking myself over. It’s this self destructive behavior that needs to stop. I purposely will choose to do things that fuck me up. It’s like, in the moment I’m not thinking “hey this will mess up a shit load of things” but after I’ve done them I’m like….”why the hell did I do ANY of that? I knew it wouldn’t be good.” My subconscious is out to get me. And you know why? It’s because I don’t love myself. In fact, I loathe myself. And I’m done with that. I’m not that fucking bad. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and done some pretty goddamn horrible things in my life, but as long as I have love in my heart for everyone and everything, who cares about my past? I’m overflowing with love to give, but I keep it all compartmentalized in this part of my heart that never gets used. I don’t give any to myself or anything in my life. I just spill out hatred and jealousy and fear. And I can’t keep living like this. Like really. If I keep operating in fear, it will literally be the death of me. I’m tantalized by the thought of suicide every day that I don’t love. And I’ve come to realize that loving isn’t just sexual (seems like a duh thing, but hey I’m still learning). I can love myself, I can love this temple I call my body, I can love my brother, my dog, my home, my car, etc.
It’s so hard to love with all the negative energy in me though.
Alright, I have a lot more I’ve learned but right now I need to meditate. Negative energy is flowing out of me in the form of tears.
Out with the bad and in with the love.