I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!

I am a strong woman. No, I’m not a feminist. I am just a strong individual. Feminism is not for strong individuals. Feminism says, “Women and men are not equal, but we need to be!” And I don’t believe an ounce of that. People think that feminism is about a woman’s strength, but it’s not. It’s about whining and bitching about how shit isn’t fair. And that’s the exact opposite of being a strong person.

I know I’m tough. I’ve been through so many things, been at such low points, but I made it through them all and THAT is what shows my true strength. Not wearing ugly clothes and holding up a sign about my ovaries somewhere. Yes, I generalized. Whatever. Sue Me. I know all feminists aren’t like that, but I found it humorous. Anyways, you get my point. I don’t have to slap a label on myself and stand with a bunch of other insecure, inferior feeling people to find my strength. 

I KNOW on my own that my gender is not inferior nor is is superior to any other gender that may be out there (men or some mix between both). And I don’t need someone else to back me up. I’m secure in myself enough to not feel inferior to men, or about my race or my age or other things like that that DO NOT define us. What defines us are our actions/reactions, thoughts, choices, morals, preferences, and emotions. Why would any ignorant person out there think that one gender is better than the other? We are BOTH needed the same amount for the reproductive process, which is the only reason for our gender differences. So it’s ridiculous to think one reigns supreme over the other.

I know that men and women are equal. And no paycheck, organization, or person can make me think differently, regardless of their actions or words.

A Really Fucking Weird Dream of Mine

So I just thought back on something as a memory and realized its ridiculousness and how recent it was in my mind and have concluded that it was a dream of mine last night.

I was at some concert in like…a highschool or something on a big stage. And two black people came out with white paint all over their faces. And I remember thinking, well if they can be in white face, is it not racist for white people to be in black face?

I must’ve had It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia on my mind lol

I only wrote this down because I hardly ever remember my dreams

Teaching Myself Life Lessons n Shit

So I just learned something about determination. After 2 laborious hours of digging my car out of the snow/mostly ice to go get cigarettes, I thought about what made me do something like that. And it’s the fact that people, when we want something, we will go to great lengths to get it. Goes back to the old saying “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” And you know what? It’s so fucking true. I mean with most things anyways. I’m not saying if you want to turn yourself into a cat that you can if you try hard enough. Although I guess if that was like…really your life goal and you committed yourself to scientifically being able to genetically mutate yourself into a cat, hey you might accomplish it after x amount of years. I mean look at that reptile dude from Ripley’s Believe It or Not…

Sincerely, the power we possess as human beings is phenomenal. So what has been stopping me from doing everything I want? What has stopped me from being the me I want to be? I have come to the conclusion that I really must not want it as bad as I thought. My motivation and willpower is lacking. And that fucking sucks. Because not having the motivation to get yourself to a place you want to be will just keep you unhappy and feeling like shit.

So you know what I want to do with my life? I want to be happy. And that’s a blanket, broad statement, yes. But I have specifics about what will make me happy.

It will make me happy to love myself. And how do I do that when I feel like such a fucking overwhelmed wreck most of the time? Well I’ve got to pinpoint what exactly is making me feel so shitty and change it. And really change it.

I have to say, I really neglect my health. I’m not obese, I don’t have any deadly diseases or anything like that. But I’m not healthy. And I know being healthy will help me just…feel better in general. It will give me more energy to be motivated to change things. A continuous cycle that’s actually good for me.

I NEED to get more sleep each night. Okay I know writing this at 1am is a little contradictory, but whatever. Figuring out my mind is higher on the priorities list because otherwise I will just be laying in bed thinking all of this for hours until I pass out from exhaustion. Which is how I usually fall asleep. I don’t just fall asleep peacefully, I literally have to pass out from being so tired. And you know why? Because I don’t use enough energy every day! I get a shit load of calories, carbs, and sugar from greasy shitty foods and sit on my ass most of the day. That has to change. I need to eat vegetables, cut out bread (which is like 50% of my diet), eat fruit, and actually drink water. Yeah I’ve noticed I will literally have a day or two where I do not drink water. That doesn’t sound smart.  And I need to DO MORE each day. Whether it’s lift these little weights in my room, do some crunches, take my dog for a walk (when there isn’t a foot of snow outside), etc, I need to use more energy each day. And then actually go to sleep at a human time. Like 11. Not super early, but enough time for me to get my 8 hours of sleep before school.

I also need to stop getting on facebook so much. The amount of time I waste…

And I want to get better at guitar. But that’s not going to happen from just looking at it. Which means I need to actually fucking practice. And on a regular basis. I haven’t touched my guitar in weeks because I’ve been feeling so fucking fucked up. And then I’m worse at guitar when I pick it up after not playing in weeks which makes me more frustrated with myself. I just need to get in the habit of playing for maybe a half hour or even just 20 minutes every day.

And I need to clean up my room (short term goal kind of…my room is pretty messy…maybe long term). But this clutter is making my mind feel cluttered. I need to go thru all of my shit, throw away the stuff I don’t need or use, and organize what I want to keep. Forreal.

I also need to do yoga again. I guess that’s kind of exercising. But really, yoga and meditation. I need to center myself.

And stop watching TV because really it’s pointless. I sit, some of my brain cells turn to goo, and I am left with nothing but a smaller brain and a hunger to watch more. And a physical hunger for unhealthy food.

And I need to take school more seriously. I haven’t even read past chapter 1 (out of 4) and I’m over half way done with school. I literally paid two thousand dollars, my dad paid eight, for this schooling. It’s about damn time I gave it the respect it fucking deserves.

I need to stop getting wrapped up in sexual encounters!!!!!!!! They waste my time, the hurt my heart, and they make my bipolar disorder even worse. I get sent into episodes of hypomania, then mania, then manic depression when they (inevitably) don’t work out. And my psyche cannot take any more. When I was packing up my stuff from Dakota’s house, I literally started hyperventilating, shaking, felt like I couldn’t breathe, and found that my mind would not stop repeating “I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t fucking do this what the fuck am I fucking doing.” Like really. I told my really good friend Ethan about it and he said it was probably a panic attack. What the hell? I don’t want to have panic attacks! And that’s not the first time stuff like that has happened to me which means I apparently have a history of panic or anxiety attacks. So if that’s what trying to be with someone who I KNOW isn’t right for me is going to do to me, then I have GOT to fucking stop fucking myself over. It’s this self destructive behavior that needs to stop. I purposely will choose to do things that fuck me up. It’s like, in the moment I’m not thinking “hey this will mess up a shit load of things” but after I’ve done them I’m like….”why the hell did I do ANY of that? I knew it wouldn’t be good.” My subconscious is out to get me. And you know why? It’s because I don’t love myself. In fact, I loathe myself. And I’m done with that. I’m not that fucking bad. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and done some pretty goddamn horrible things in my life, but as long as I have love in my heart for everyone and everything, who cares about my past? I’m overflowing with love to give, but I keep it all compartmentalized in this part of my heart that never gets used. I don’t give any to myself or anything in my life. I just spill out hatred and jealousy and fear. And I can’t keep living like this. Like really. If I keep operating in fear, it will literally be the death of me. I’m tantalized by the thought of suicide every day that I don’t love. And I’ve come to realize that loving isn’t just sexual (seems like a duh thing, but hey I’m still learning). I can love myself, I can love this temple I call my body, I can love my brother, my dog, my home, my car, etc.

It’s so hard to love with all the negative energy in me though.

Alright, I have a lot more I’ve learned but right now I need to meditate. Negative energy is flowing out of me in the form of tears.

Out with the bad and in with the love.

My Soulmate

So I’ve come to realize that I keep settling for less than perfect people because I figure, hey we’re all imperfect. I’m human, I shouldn’t expect anything more from anyone else. But settling for someone imperfect and imperfect FOR ME are two completely different things. I want someone with flaws. Just the right ones that I could deal with. So I’m compiling a list of what my soulmate’s traits would be. Or just my dream guy, whatever. Not listed in order of importance, just listed in order of thought. Though the bold ones are bigger ones.

1. Has a deep, gruff singing voice that has character and makes me swoon. Because I like masculine singing voices. That are low and sultry lol
2. Light colored eyes that look either blue or green or hazel depending on the day.
3. Smokes cigarettes.
4. Smokes weed.
5. Enjoys tripping on L and can share a wonderful experience with me on it that would bond us closer together.
6. Plays guitar.
7. Plays harmonica.
8. Plays banjo. Or wants to learn how to. Maybe will learn with me or help teach me.
9. Plays some sort of drum (either a whole kit or a hand drum)
10. Isn’t really popular.
11. Isn’t in a band or if he wants to be in one, would be in one with me.
12. Loves dogs.
13. Finds South Park hilarious.
14. Loves to watch Workaholics.
15. And watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
16. And Family Guy and American Dad and Futurama.
17. Plays Super Smash Bros
18. Plays Marvel vs CapCom
19. Can draw.
20. Likes to paint, even if he isn’t good at it.
21. Would use my body as a canvas for an abstract painting
22. Can play piano
23. Humble/Doesn’t realize how amazing he is
24. Has traveled for longer than a few years
25. Would be willing to travel with me in the future.
26. Has been on tour/would go on tour with me.
27. Has a car
28. Is a good driver
29. Has a dog that Token and I both like
30. MUST HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR VERY SIMILAR, IF NOT IDENTICAL TO MINE
31. Loves to cuddle.
32. Will be big spoon all the time and enjoys it more
33. Loves to touch me (not in like a sexual way although I mean yes that way, too, but I just meant like if we’re sitting next to each other, he’d reach over and touch my hand and smile at me or something idk I’m a lame romantic)
34. Has tattoos that have deep meaning behind them
35. Can give tattoos
36. Loves dreadlocks
37. Maybe even has dreadlocks. Dunno. Depends what he looks like with and without em.
38. Will shoot guns with me
39. Can actually teach me things in a way I can understand (which is harder than it sounds lol)
40. Drinks all kinds of alcohol, but doesn’t get TOO drunk (like passing out and throwing up on me drunk)
41. Has feet and hands bigger than mine
42. Is magical in bed (obviously)
43. Can write funny songs
44. Charismatic
45. Has people that want to spend time with him but have him want to spend his time with only me most of the time. Yeah whatever maybe I’m needy. But fuck off, this is just me being honest with myself about what I want.
46. Will watch Law and Order; SVU with me
47. Can dominate me in bed
48. Has some social anxiety, about as much as I do, so I have someone who can relate with me about my weird things and I can relate to them and we can work on it together.
49. Will help me eat healthier
50. Can cook and will cook for and with me
51. Is legitimately impressed by the lame things I do lol a girl can wish, right
52. Sincerely thinks I’m the most beautiful girl he has ever seen
53. Will make me feel secure in our relationship
54. Will never lie to me, but can put the truth in a non hurtful way, not sugar coated, just not horribly rude like past people I have known
55. Writes poems, songs, short stories, fiction, fantasy, mysteries, etc
56. Has good grammar (how ironic of a sentence)
57. Loves wolves or has some sort of connection with them
58. Has a beard, maybe a mustache
59. Can fit his hands around my waist (that might be more of a personal goal I’m trying to achieve)
60. Will kiss me all over
61. Does not ignore me ever
62. Not as messy as me and can encourage me to be tidier
63. Can introduce me to new music that I love
64. His voice will sound good with mine
65. Wears lots of blue and dark grey
66. Wears skate shoes
67. Does not wear ultra skinny jeans EVER. Sorry, not hating on guys that do, its just not my style…like really I barely ever wear straight cut jeans. Skinny jeans cut off my circulation
68. Loves me in plaid shirts and pj pants because that’s what I’m comfortable in lol
69. Will actually fall in love with me
70. Will be my best friend
71. He will be someone I can truly feel safe with sharing all of my personal secrets
72. Will listen and talk to me openly, fairly, and honestly when I want to talk about things bothering me about myself or him or friends or even the world in general. Really just someone I can have a legitimate conversation with.
73. Would hitchhike to me no matter where either of us is if I needed him.
74. Is maybe open to the idea of having a kid some time in the far future. Or adopting one. Far future though. FAR.
75. Can grow plants/veggies/fruits
76. Likes stones, gems, minerals, etc and knows about them and will teach me about them
77. A slightly crooked/lopsided almost/not even smile. Idk why but it’s fucking cute when a guy goes to smile a big toothy grin and one side is slightly higher than the other and he starts his smile with the higher side
78. Does not find bongs to be a good idea to have in the house and care about. Seriously. I mean they’re beautiful but they are not practical in real life. At least not mine lol and my soul mate wants to be in my life.
79. Can pick out presents for me perfectly
80. Is easy to pick out presents for
81. Loves snapdragons
82. Loves sunflowers
83. Eats sunflower seeds
84. Once he has gotten to know me, he won’t be turned on by other girls ever again lol ahhh whatever I’m selfish get over it
85. Doesn’t mind that I’m selfish because he will know that I still love him more than I love myself.
86. Will love my flaws even if he dislikes them.
87. Doesn’t mind if I let my legs, pits, etc get a lil hairy from time to time lol Maybe even gets turned on by it
88. Will let me lay with my head on his chest for hours.
89. We will fit together perfectly when we cuddle. It has only happened once before, years ago. Hopefully I can find that perfect fit again soon. *cough cough Georgia?* Oh gawd Daniel I hope you don’t read this you’ll see how pathetic I am lol
90. Doesn’t mind my patheticness? idk lol
91. Likes Bo Burnham, Daniel Tosh, Dane Cook, and Jeff Dunham stand up. And will watch all with me
92. Laughs at stand up comedy or funny tv shows or jokes
93. Has a musical laugh that will pleasure my ear canals. haha
94. Can do a couple magic tricks (yeah I’m a sucker for that shit but its fuckin cool whatever)
95. Loves Lord of the Rings
96. Will play poker with me
97. Will live with me and agree to paint murals on the walls with me
98. Will have lots of incense burning in the house
99. Enjoys scented candles
100. Likes to swim or be in the water, but only likes it, not loves lol
101. Loves hot tubs. And will get a hot tub with me.
102. Will never laugh at me when I’m feeling insecure.
103. Will not yell at me or make me want to yell.
104. Eats pretty much everything, even the unusual things that I wont eat. It’s just fuckin interesting to watch people eat things you wouldn’t. so sue me.
105. Can write with a quill and ink (calligraphy)  lol i know thats lame and weird but such is me.
106. Will come visit my grandparents in Vancouver with me
107. Plays lacrosse for fun, not in a league or something
108. Isn’t competitive when playing sports
109. Will play tennis with me
110. Will make me gifts or plan out something romantic on special days
111. Can surprise me
112. Will take bubble baths with me
113. Will go camping with me
114. Likes to roast things over a campfire
115. Will write letters to me in cursive because cursive is pretty and thats how my goddamn mind envisions love letters lol
116. Curses like a sailor
117. Can hold his liquor. Dunno if I already said that in different words earlier lol
118. Reads a lot
119. Knows about psychology
120. Knows about dogs
121. Will kiss all my booboos lol shhh im lame
122. Likes to go to festies
123. Does not have gauges
124. Likes Dickies, Carhardt’s, bibs, etc and doesn’t mind me wearing them too
125. Will see me as strong and confident. Because god knows how hard I fucking try to be both of those.
126. We will have a telepathic connection with me
127. He will be able to tell how I’m feeling even if I’m trying to conceal it. Like if I’m sad but I’m trying to be happy I won’t be able to bullshit him and I’ll have to talk about it which is better for me in the end than bottling all the shit up.
128. Will be understand about bipolar disorder and its cycles of hypomania, mania, and depression.
129. Isn’t obsessed with anime.
130. Likes sweets
131. Loves butter
132. Eats the shit outta some garlic
133. And cheese
134. Will take lots of pictures with me
135. Will rub my tumtum when it hurts. It hurts now
136. Will ride horses with me
137. Likes the light green wintermint tic tacs the best
138. Wants to pirate a cruise ship with me.
139. Loves fuzzy blankets
140. Is always a warmer body temperature so I can steal his warmth
141. Does not have fans blowing on him at night. #thatshitIdon’tlike
142. Enjoys cocaine thoroughly from time to time
143. No serious drug addictions
144. Has had previous girlfriends, none longer than a year, and does not keep in contact with any of them or any of the people he has hooked up with
145. Understands the feeling of abandonment
146. Does not hold any thought back from me
147. Will play with Token
148. Will go to batting cages with me
149. Will support my career
150. Cannot have nasty feet. Eek.
151. Drinks hot tea.
152. And iced tea
153. Loves the beach!!!
154. Wants to live near the beach
155. Wants to own at least 2 dogs with me
156. Does not have twitter. I really am not fond of twitter. #instagramhashtaggingisdifferentfromtwitterhashtagginginmymind
157. Loves The Beatles!!!!!!!!!!!!! Has to.
158. Enjoys vinyl collections as much as I do.
159. Prefers acoustic instruments over electrical ones.
160. Will put me in a good mood just seeing his face
161. Will be at least a few inches taller than me
162. Doesn’t watch porn when he can have the real thing On Demand in Real Time lol
163. Has been to college
164. Would never associate himself closely with sorority girls or frat boys
165. Can bartend
166. Loves feathers as much as I do lol
167. Will love me with his whole heart
168. Shares my dislike of bumper stickers
169. Likes to be barefoot
170. Will dance in the rain with me
171. Has a libido on my level lol yes a very high sex drive
172. Does not find blonde girls attractive
173. Has deep, dark secrets but wants to share them all with me
174. Will eat mescaline for the first time with me
175. Is thin yet muscular
176. Is well equipped if you know what I mean

To Be Continued

Daniel

I can’t get this kid off of my mind…

This legitimately will not interest anyone

So I got kicked out. That’s pretty exciting I guess. I’m trying to find some craigslist weirdo to let me and my dog live with him. Sounds inexpensive.

Yeah I just…can’t believe the things I do sometimes, ya know?

I got fucked up last night.

I woke up this morning, a half hour late for work, fully clothed (coat shoes and all), laying on my bare mattress, everything I own shoved into a suitcase by some freak of nature, stuff Dakota gave me gone, Daniel Bing’s address in Georgia typed in on my phone, and Token was nowhere to be found. Fuckin A, right?

But all of that bullshit was irrelevant. I’m not entirely sure what all happened last night, but I know I hurt and upset at least a few really good people.

I hurt Cassie. I’m so so incredibly sorry for that. I would never wish any kind of emotional (or physical) pain on Cassie. I want exactly the opposite. Because she’s such a wonderful person and so many other people have hurt her. She’s a really beautiful person.

I hurt Jelani. From the moment he stepped into the party my immature, foolish ass wrapped him up in pointless nonsense and made him worry for my life. I am so terribly sorry, Jelani. I love you and you’re the poo. And I hate that I made you feel anything other than happy and goofy. Because a worried Jelani is no bueno. On the bright(ish) side though, it really really means a lot to me that you actually give a shit.

I guess the overwhelming emotion here is guilt.

And Dan. We’ve got some shit together, dude. And you know what? I love you too. You’re a phenomenal person. And today you helped me reach a new understanding of….life in general. Now I won’t share it all, but I really just feel like part of his text needs to be in this journal entry. Hell they need to be laser-ed into my mind.

“Everything we do- our behavior, the subtle things that compel us to act outwardly in one way or another, and even the experiences from the past we draw on to make decisions about how to live, and how to think- it all exists in ONE spectrum. … Emotions can seem so chaotic and unpredictable and violent sometimes, but ultimately, they all exist between two points of the same sliding scale. On one end of that scale is LOVE, and on the other side is FEAR. … Everything we do, everything we feel, falls on this scale. If you write a song without anyone else telling you to, it’s on the “love” half of the scale. “I want to make this because some part of me loves making things, or singing, or writing. I want to share this.” It’s a love action. And you feel good when you act upon it. Fear isn’t always as easy to detect, mostly because a lot of people are, recursively, afraid to admit to being afraid. But that’s silly. Life is a terrifying experience, filled with pain and strife and hard choices and hurt, and its completely natural to be afraid of things. … I fell out of love with you when I became afraid that you weren’t the right girl for me. That’s part of what makes it so hard to understand, though, because i fell IN love with you, even though you’re not my perfect fit, because I was terrified of being alone, of being by myself and not having someone to make me feel better about myself. … We were together because of fear, not love. Fear that … there’s no way we could ever find something better. Fear of the future. [That just like...sunk into me and the honesty and truth behind it has been overwhelming me again since I typed it...] Love makes us create, share, and give without expecting compensation. Fear gets us to attach to other, to manipulate, to try and hurt others, to draw on their energy for ones own gain. …but love is love is love. You either want what’s best for someone, or you don’t. And I want what’s best for you because I do love you. … I could very easily have become bitter and resentful… But here I am. Why? Because I love you. And I’m not afraid of loving you. I’m not afraid to say it, and mean it. And that doesn’t mean I want to be wrapped up with you for the rest of time. That doesn’t mean you owe me anything. If i felt you owed me loyalty, or commitment, or sex, in exchange for my love, well that’s not really love, now is it? No, that’s fear, fear of loneliness and rejection and the cold masking itself in our minds as real love. Love is a powerful force that I and a very few other people in the world like me have the ability to wield to literally make people’s days better. … Your body is like a temple, that sometimes looks like a playground. If you play with your toys too hard, they will break, and then you won’t have anymore toys to play with. … If you’re always abusing yourself, drinking too much, and waking up hung over and not getting enough sleep and not eating right, your whole universe will suck, without you even knowing it. You’ll just accept it as your reality and never realize that you have the power to break the cycle. That is nobody’s cross to bear but yours. Maybe you think you deserve it. Nobody deserves that, though. And when you treat yourself like that, all the people that care about you feel it too. Whether you care or not is on you, but if you truly love others as I do, you’ll find that it’s a lot more awesome to lift those you care about UP rather than pull them down. That being patient with a beautiful but misguided young woman named Lauren will do waaaay more for me in the long run than writing her off and leaving her to implode of her own devices.” Dan, I don’t think I could ever thank you enough for that incredibly long text message (there’s WAY more to it) that probably took an hour to write on an iPhone. Some of the other things in there were a nice heaping dose of harsh reality, but it’s exactly what I needed. I need to operate on love, not fear. You are 100% right about that. Looking at most of the things I do, I continually make decisions based on fear. I’m scared of being alone so I’ll try to find someone to love me. I’m scared I’m worthless, so I’ll try to do lots of things for you and make  myself of worth to you. I’m scared that there’s no point to anything I do ever, so let’s go be depressed and drink and take pills. Like right now, I’m sitting here at this house I got kicked out of because I’m scared. I have no idea what to do and that frightens the living hell out of me. Hell most shit scares me.

And there’s one last person I wanted to apologize to- Dakota.

I’m not just sorry for last night, I’m sorry for every action or word towards you that was anything other than love. And as I process my ridiculous actions and thoughts, I’m realizing that most of what I did was out of fear/insecurity. I also want you to know that the mean things coming from my mouth were not from my heart. The reason I twisted the truth to make it sound horrible was because I am so terrified you will reject me with no warning. So in my crazy control freak mind, it’s better to make you reject me on my terms. And that’s exactly what I did. Only I don’t really want that. I want you to love and be loved by me. But that seems so impossible in my head. Because I have this inferiority complex where I just can’t understand that everyone else might not be a billion times better than me. I’m insecure about myself as a person. I know all the mistakes I’ve made and I am ashamed. I’m frightened of what you would think of me if you really got to know me. I’m scared we wouldn’t work out. No, I’m actually pretty sure we’d never work out. I mean as we both know, we didn’t work out. I think I’m scared so much because most of the time I’m scared something will happen, it does. And I have to admit something I’ve been terrified to say to your face. I don’t think I’ll have the balls any time soon to say it to your face, but here it is in pansy form. I was scared to get any deeper involved with you because I was scared that I would be passing up a chance with someone much better for me in Georgia. And in all honesty, he is a better fit for me. Not to say you aren’t wonderful. Not to say that I don’t want to get to know you and love you as a person. But as far as soul mates go, we are not the definition of it. So why am I still here, wishing I didn’t have to leave? I’m terrified of being alone. Even though you have already made it clear that yes I am indeed alone. And I don’t mean alone as in literally isolated with no friends or anything. I mean alone as in having no one to love you as a lover would. To genuinely care and show affection towards. I crave physical affection. Maybe everyone does or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know.  But I’m digressing from the overall apology… I am so sorry for all of my fear oriented actions and abrasive words I threw at you. You’re a beautiful and special person and you operate in love most of the time (no one’s perfect).  I just wish you could feel how I’m feeling and then maybe you could grasp some sort of understanding of how truly apologetic I am. I’m horrible with words. I’m sorry I’m so selfish and stressful and horrible and stupid and unenlightened and

~~~

Sorry I had to take a break from writing. I can’t stop sobbing. Not just crying, those deep sobs where it literally takes the all the air out of your lungs and is released as one big WHOOSH and you fall to your knees and your whole core just aches with sorrow and grief and regret. I am so full of all of those.

Dakota. I am sorry you ever met me. I’m sorry I am the way I am. I’m all fucked up and broken like a beautiful ornate vase someone was sent in the mail that got bumped around a bit too much and arrived in millions of pieces. No that’s a perfect metaphor for exactly what I am. A disappointing, broken, ornate vase.

I wish desperately someone could love a disaster like me.

Tales of Token #1

My dog is a unique individual. I feel like he’s in this sub level between dog and human consciousness abilities. At times, I feel like we can almost communicate telepathically. It’s probably because we’ve tripped together on a couple different things (one on accident). Yeah he’s a cheeky bastard, he ground scored some mushrooms once. And we had been vibing on Love together. He actually that time got so high he pissed himself. Like, he was laying down with his eyes closed, possibly sleeping, in bed with me and just started peeing! He jumped up surprised as fuck haha. It was ridiculous.
I love my dog though, man. He’s a real card. And he’s ghetto.

How ghetto is he?

So he absolutely LOVES squeaky toys. But he can’t have them. Why? Because the scoundrel will chew up that squeaky toy to get to the very squeaker itself and then proceed in attempting to eat said squeaker. It’s kind of difficult to always have to be on the lookout when he’s playing to see if he finally got it. Ya know? And the determination of that boy…well he’s as stubborn as me and I’m a Taurus.  But anyways, the taboo squeaky toy is one of Token’s very favorites. He’d pass up a treat for a squeaky toy any day. Well, at our new place in West County, he has this really old, falling apart, raggedy soccer ball. And it must have holes in it or something because half of it collapses in. But if you take the muddy ball in your hand and press the caved in sides of the half closer together, air blows through the holes and makes a slight, “tssss,” sound. It faintly resembles a squeaker. This sound now delights him to no ends. He’ll come running up to you, mud covering his entire legs, belly, and tail, carrying this pathetic excuse of a soccer ball, making repeated hissing noises. He’ll maybe do a little leap or bound if I’ve been gone for longer than usual and he’s especially excited to see me. Making mud pies fly everywhere of course. I love my spunky lil pup.

Right now we’re inside. He’s sitting with his nose shoved to the door trying to put it underneath. Not struggling, just resting his head there, as close as he can get to outside of this room. He hates how small the inside space is. :/ I feel bad, but he’s been in much smaller for much longer and he can deal with it now. He’s just bein a brat. He has room to play fetch with some cardio if he jumps up on my bed it’s a decent distance. I mean i literally can throw the pieces of string that used to be a tug-o-war toy across the room. But I digress, he’s interested in the band practice. Token hasn’t listened to too much funk. I can tell the sounds intrigue him. I mean, they kind of frighten him because he runs past the band room every time they’re playing yet when he’s in my room he’s like “But Mooooommmm I wanna go see what everyone ELSE is doing!!”

I guess I personify my dog as bratty, mischievous 5-year-old. It’s pretty appropriate most times.

Token spent Friday at my parents’ house without me while I was recovering from strep throat and then we both spent Saturday night there. That’s a picture my mom sent me Saturday morning with the caption, “Goodmornin mama!”