So I got kicked out. That’s pretty exciting I guess. I’m trying to find some craigslist weirdo to let me and my dog live with him. Sounds inexpensive.
Yeah I just…can’t believe the things I do sometimes, ya know?
I got fucked up last night.
I woke up this morning, a half hour late for work, fully clothed (coat shoes and all), laying on my bare mattress, everything I own shoved into a suitcase by some freak of nature, stuff Dakota gave me gone, Daniel Bing’s address in Georgia typed in on my phone, and Token was nowhere to be found. Fuckin A, right?
But all of that bullshit was irrelevant. I’m not entirely sure what all happened last night, but I know I hurt and upset at least a few really good people.
I hurt Cassie. I’m so so incredibly sorry for that. I would never wish any kind of emotional (or physical) pain on Cassie. I want exactly the opposite. Because she’s such a wonderful person and so many other people have hurt her. She’s a really beautiful person.
I hurt Jelani. From the moment he stepped into the party my immature, foolish ass wrapped him up in pointless nonsense and made him worry for my life. I am so terribly sorry, Jelani. I love you and you’re the poo. And I hate that I made you feel anything other than happy and goofy. Because a worried Jelani is no bueno. On the bright(ish) side though, it really really means a lot to me that you actually give a shit.
I guess the overwhelming emotion here is guilt.
And Dan. We’ve got some shit together, dude. And you know what? I love you too. You’re a phenomenal person. And today you helped me reach a new understanding of….life in general. Now I won’t share it all, but I really just feel like part of his text needs to be in this journal entry. Hell they need to be laser-ed into my mind.
“Everything we do- our behavior, the subtle things that compel us to act outwardly in one way or another, and even the experiences from the past we draw on to make decisions about how to live, and how to think- it all exists in ONE spectrum. … Emotions can seem so chaotic and unpredictable and violent sometimes, but ultimately, they all exist between two points of the same sliding scale. On one end of that scale is LOVE, and on the other side is FEAR. … Everything we do, everything we feel, falls on this scale. If you write a song without anyone else telling you to, it’s on the “love” half of the scale. “I want to make this because some part of me loves making things, or singing, or writing. I want to share this.” It’s a love action. And you feel good when you act upon it. Fear isn’t always as easy to detect, mostly because a lot of people are, recursively, afraid to admit to being afraid. But that’s silly. Life is a terrifying experience, filled with pain and strife and hard choices and hurt, and its completely natural to be afraid of things. … I fell out of love with you when I became afraid that you weren’t the right girl for me. That’s part of what makes it so hard to understand, though, because i fell IN love with you, even though you’re not my perfect fit, because I was terrified of being alone, of being by myself and not having someone to make me feel better about myself. … We were together because of fear, not love. Fear that … there’s no way we could ever find something better. Fear of the future. [That just like...sunk into me and the honesty and truth behind it has been overwhelming me again since I typed it...] Love makes us create, share, and give without expecting compensation. Fear gets us to attach to other, to manipulate, to try and hurt others, to draw on their energy for ones own gain. …but love is love is love. You either want what’s best for someone, or you don’t. And I want what’s best for you because I do love you. … I could very easily have become bitter and resentful… But here I am. Why? Because I love you. And I’m not afraid of loving you. I’m not afraid to say it, and mean it. And that doesn’t mean I want to be wrapped up with you for the rest of time. That doesn’t mean you owe me anything. If i felt you owed me loyalty, or commitment, or sex, in exchange for my love, well that’s not really love, now is it? No, that’s fear, fear of loneliness and rejection and the cold masking itself in our minds as real love. Love is a powerful force that I and a very few other people in the world like me have the ability to wield to literally make people’s days better. … Your body is like a temple, that sometimes looks like a playground. If you play with your toys too hard, they will break, and then you won’t have anymore toys to play with. … If you’re always abusing yourself, drinking too much, and waking up hung over and not getting enough sleep and not eating right, your whole universe will suck, without you even knowing it. You’ll just accept it as your reality and never realize that you have the power to break the cycle. That is nobody’s cross to bear but yours. Maybe you think you deserve it. Nobody deserves that, though. And when you treat yourself like that, all the people that care about you feel it too. Whether you care or not is on you, but if you truly love others as I do, you’ll find that it’s a lot more awesome to lift those you care about UP rather than pull them down. That being patient with a beautiful but misguided young woman named Lauren will do waaaay more for me in the long run than writing her off and leaving her to implode of her own devices.” Dan, I don’t think I could ever thank you enough for that incredibly long text message (there’s WAY more to it) that probably took an hour to write on an iPhone. Some of the other things in there were a nice heaping dose of harsh reality, but it’s exactly what I needed. I need to operate on love, not fear. You are 100% right about that. Looking at most of the things I do, I continually make decisions based on fear. I’m scared of being alone so I’ll try to find someone to love me. I’m scared I’m worthless, so I’ll try to do lots of things for you and make myself of worth to you. I’m scared that there’s no point to anything I do ever, so let’s go be depressed and drink and take pills. Like right now, I’m sitting here at this house I got kicked out of because I’m scared. I have no idea what to do and that frightens the living hell out of me. Hell most shit scares me.
And there’s one last person I wanted to apologize to- Dakota.
I’m not just sorry for last night, I’m sorry for every action or word towards you that was anything other than love. And as I process my ridiculous actions and thoughts, I’m realizing that most of what I did was out of fear/insecurity. I also want you to know that the mean things coming from my mouth were not from my heart. The reason I twisted the truth to make it sound horrible was because I am so terrified you will reject me with no warning. So in my crazy control freak mind, it’s better to make you reject me on my terms. And that’s exactly what I did. Only I don’t really want that. I want you to love and be loved by me. But that seems so impossible in my head. Because I have this inferiority complex where I just can’t understand that everyone else might not be a billion times better than me. I’m insecure about myself as a person. I know all the mistakes I’ve made and I am ashamed. I’m frightened of what you would think of me if you really got to know me. I’m scared we wouldn’t work out. No, I’m actually pretty sure we’d never work out. I mean as we both know, we didn’t work out. I think I’m scared so much because most of the time I’m scared something will happen, it does. And I have to admit something I’ve been terrified to say to your face. I don’t think I’ll have the balls any time soon to say it to your face, but here it is in pansy form. I was scared to get any deeper involved with you because I was scared that I would be passing up a chance with someone much better for me in Georgia. And in all honesty, he is a better fit for me. Not to say you aren’t wonderful. Not to say that I don’t want to get to know you and love you as a person. But as far as soul mates go, we are not the definition of it. So why am I still here, wishing I didn’t have to leave? I’m terrified of being alone. Even though you have already made it clear that yes I am indeed alone. And I don’t mean alone as in literally isolated with no friends or anything. I mean alone as in having no one to love you as a lover would. To genuinely care and show affection towards. I crave physical affection. Maybe everyone does or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know. But I’m digressing from the overall apology… I am so sorry for all of my fear oriented actions and abrasive words I threw at you. You’re a beautiful and special person and you operate in love most of the time (no one’s perfect). I just wish you could feel how I’m feeling and then maybe you could grasp some sort of understanding of how truly apologetic I am. I’m horrible with words. I’m sorry I’m so selfish and stressful and horrible and stupid and unenlightened and
Sorry I had to take a break from writing. I can’t stop sobbing. Not just crying, those deep sobs where it literally takes the all the air out of your lungs and is released as one big WHOOSH and you fall to your knees and your whole core just aches with sorrow and grief and regret. I am so full of all of those.
Dakota. I am sorry you ever met me. I’m sorry I am the way I am. I’m all fucked up and broken like a beautiful ornate vase someone was sent in the mail that got bumped around a bit too much and arrived in millions of pieces. No that’s a perfect metaphor for exactly what I am. A disappointing, broken, ornate vase.
I wish desperately someone could love a disaster like me.